Well things are going ok. I'm coping with life, the universe and everything.
uploading has become a fricking nightmare. For some inexplicable reason all my videos are saving in a massive format and youtube ain't happy about the situation.
It appears i can only upload in 'Crome Incognito' mode, and with an etheral cable plugged into my laptop. if thats what it takes i'll do it!
My recently uploaded video 'Gothmummi: Thoughts on bereavement (RIP the best grandad in the world)', explains a bit of my absence and what i've been feeling.
my videos will probably never be popular. I'm just not that interesting. or that good if we're being honest with ourselves. But as long as i have one subscriber, i'll keep on at it. I love making videos, well, not while i'm making them, but once the finished product is up i'm happy.
I'll be trying to upload videos more regularly now, so i hope everyone keeps watching, and commenting. comments really do mean alot to me, and i try to reply to them all.
Friday, 10 February 2012
Saturday, 21 January 2012
thoughts of bereavment
Things have changed for me. No one says anything anymore do they? When I make videos, I don’t make them for me, I make them for you. I do what I think people will watch. I have things I want to say, and I don’t in case, you my beloved viewer, get bored. I’m lying. I’m not saying what I want to say, I’m not doing what I want to do, I’m doing what I think you want me to do. It’s lying, in a sense. And we all lie, lying is not always for personal gain, but it usually is to deceive. Even if it’s for the greater good. We lie to ourselves and we lie to each other.
My granddad died on Monday at 3am. I know you shouldn’t have favourites, but we all did. Pit was OUR granddad. And he’s gone. He outlived my other granddads, I had three, and he was our favourite. In the days leading up to his death, we all kept saying: you alright? You alright mum? You alright tiff? You alright twiggy? You alright lence? And we all said? Yeah. I’m alright.
None of us are ‘alright.’ We will be, at some time, we will be alright. Right now, we’re not, none of us our but even to each other, we can’t say, no I’m not alright, my dad’s gone, my granddads gone. I feel like this feeling is never going to end, I feel like I should be crying all the time, I feel like my soul left when he took his last breath, I feel like nothing in the world will ever be the same, and I’m sorry for the time I wasted, the days gone by when I had nothing to do and didn’t go round for a visit because that time, is gone. And I can’t get it back. No. I’m not alright. But thanks for asking.
I, right now, feel like I won’t be the same again. Something has gone, and something else is in its place. I don’t know what ‘it’ is, but it’s there. I feel, alone. I’m pretty much surrounded by people, but they’re not inside my bubble. They’re there, but not. I can’t accept he’s gone, because he’s always been there. And now he isn’t. That is how I feel.
There’s going to people, who think ‘keep some shit to you!’ well. It’s my shit. I own it. And if I want to give, just a little bit, to the rest of the world. I’m going to. Don’t waste your time. Don’t spend the days, the weeks, the years, on people who mean nothing to you. Who you mean nothing to. Surround yourself, protect yourself, and make your bubble big enough to fit every person who makes you smile, on the inside. Don’t get bored, ring your mum, ring you’re Nan, ring someone else’s Nan. Don’t look back, and think: I wish I’d bothered. You’ll find the time to tidy up, to do the washing, to finish that paper. But when someone’s gone, their gone. Never waste a moment. You’ll never get it back.
My granddad died on Monday at 3am. I know you shouldn’t have favourites, but we all did. Pit was OUR granddad. And he’s gone. He outlived my other granddads, I had three, and he was our favourite. In the days leading up to his death, we all kept saying: you alright? You alright mum? You alright tiff? You alright twiggy? You alright lence? And we all said? Yeah. I’m alright.
None of us are ‘alright.’ We will be, at some time, we will be alright. Right now, we’re not, none of us our but even to each other, we can’t say, no I’m not alright, my dad’s gone, my granddads gone. I feel like this feeling is never going to end, I feel like I should be crying all the time, I feel like my soul left when he took his last breath, I feel like nothing in the world will ever be the same, and I’m sorry for the time I wasted, the days gone by when I had nothing to do and didn’t go round for a visit because that time, is gone. And I can’t get it back. No. I’m not alright. But thanks for asking.
I, right now, feel like I won’t be the same again. Something has gone, and something else is in its place. I don’t know what ‘it’ is, but it’s there. I feel, alone. I’m pretty much surrounded by people, but they’re not inside my bubble. They’re there, but not. I can’t accept he’s gone, because he’s always been there. And now he isn’t. That is how I feel.
There’s going to people, who think ‘keep some shit to you!’ well. It’s my shit. I own it. And if I want to give, just a little bit, to the rest of the world. I’m going to. Don’t waste your time. Don’t spend the days, the weeks, the years, on people who mean nothing to you. Who you mean nothing to. Surround yourself, protect yourself, and make your bubble big enough to fit every person who makes you smile, on the inside. Don’t get bored, ring your mum, ring you’re Nan, ring someone else’s Nan. Don’t look back, and think: I wish I’d bothered. You’ll find the time to tidy up, to do the washing, to finish that paper. But when someone’s gone, their gone. Never waste a moment. You’ll never get it back.
Salaam alaikum. Be good to each other.
Monday, 26 December 2011
Post Christmas bloggity
Hi and salaams
It’s all over!!! Christmas day has gone and it’s back to normal life.
I had a wicked day, was knackered but it was still excellent. The kids got up at 7.30 which was pretty good considering they got up at 5.30 last year I think!
I was very lucky with my presents, I got 2 cupcake maker machines, a Disney princess bowl, dp mug, dp bath confetti, dp bag thingie I’m gonna put my hijab pins in, a dp bin, a box of wine gums, burlesque on dvd ( yes I know, I can’t help it, I love burlesque) a gothic fairy ornament, a soap and glory gift set, which I’ll be reviewing btw, lace nail sticker thingies, a Thornton’s gift voucher, panamas, and slippers, a lush gift, a betty boop calendar and diary ANNND a betty boop on a swing!!!
My mum got it for me and I love it. Every time I’m in my mums house I considering nicking it, so probably in her best interests to just buy me one too tbh.
The kids got some brilliant presents from Santa, they all got loads but oldest ones main ones were a bike and guitar! Middlest one got a digital camera, this weird ‘big hand’ thing and a ‘light strike gun’…I’m still not sure what it does. I’m guessing it lights up.
Baby got a ‘deluxe’ light up buzz lightyear and Smokey the ridiculously expensive fire engine.
About lunchtime baby went to his dad’s and my fiancé’s daughter came round. And I’ll admit, I was a little jealous. Cos she was wearing a princess Rapunzel dress. And they don’t come in my size…
my wonderful fiancé cooked dinner, which wasn’t turkey cos turkey: is disgusting. We had chicken. And dinner was delicious. Honestly, I’m not just saying that cos he might watch this, it was proper nice. And I am really grateful cos without him, we wouldn’t of had a Christmas dinner, so thanks babe I love you mostly much.
Anyway that was pretty much the day, I feel asleep at about 7 I think. I was up til 6 though and got up at 8 so I think I have an excuse.
But it really was great and the kids enjoyed it loads, which was kinda the name of the game for me.
I was very lucky with my presents, I got 2 cupcake maker machines, a Disney princess bowl, dp mug, dp bath confetti, dp bag thingie I’m gonna put my hijab pins in, a dp bin, a box of wine gums, burlesque on dvd ( yes I know, I can’t help it, I love burlesque) a gothic fairy ornament, a soap and glory gift set, which I’ll be reviewing btw, lace nail sticker thingies, a Thornton’s gift voucher, panamas, and slippers, a lush gift, a betty boop calendar and diary ANNND a betty boop on a swing!!!
My mum got it for me and I love it. Every time I’m in my mums house I considering nicking it, so probably in her best interests to just buy me one too tbh.
The kids got some brilliant presents from Santa, they all got loads but oldest ones main ones were a bike and guitar! Middlest one got a digital camera, this weird ‘big hand’ thing and a ‘light strike gun’…I’m still not sure what it does. I’m guessing it lights up.
Baby got a ‘deluxe’ light up buzz lightyear and Smokey the ridiculously expensive fire engine.
About lunchtime baby went to his dad’s and my fiancé’s daughter came round. And I’ll admit, I was a little jealous. Cos she was wearing a princess Rapunzel dress. And they don’t come in my size…
my wonderful fiancé cooked dinner, which wasn’t turkey cos turkey: is disgusting. We had chicken. And dinner was delicious. Honestly, I’m not just saying that cos he might watch this, it was proper nice. And I am really grateful cos without him, we wouldn’t of had a Christmas dinner, so thanks babe I love you mostly much.
Anyway that was pretty much the day, I feel asleep at about 7 I think. I was up til 6 though and got up at 8 so I think I have an excuse.
But it really was great and the kids enjoyed it loads, which was kinda the name of the game for me.
Anyway i hope everyone who celebrates had a brilliant day, i'll be filming tomorrow, so subscribe to my channel www.youtube.com/gothmummi to find out as soon as it pops up!
much love everyone x
Wednesday, 7 December 2011
blogger problems
following people on blogger is not as easy as it should be. i've gone onto peoples pages and done it from my dashboard and it still refuses to come up! WHY?! is anyone else having this problem? can anyone else even see this? am i spending all my time writing to myself?
*sigh*
i'm very frustrated. i do enjoy blogging obviously, but at the same time, i wouldn't stress about it so much if i though absolutely no one ever is going to see it.
i'm going to keep trying, and following people anyway. and pray. alot.
anyway, this is a quick update, i'm going to get some lunch and carry on watching toy story 2 with my baby, while i wait for my princess rockz review to finish uploading.
much love. xx
*sigh*
i'm very frustrated. i do enjoy blogging obviously, but at the same time, i wouldn't stress about it so much if i though absolutely no one ever is going to see it.
i'm going to keep trying, and following people anyway. and pray. alot.
anyway, this is a quick update, i'm going to get some lunch and carry on watching toy story 2 with my baby, while i wait for my princess rockz review to finish uploading.
much love. xx
Sunday, 4 December 2011
upload woes and wicked cool socks
well, what a palavar!
I filmed three videos in one day. i'd spent 3 days feeling awful in bed, and didn't know how long my luck would last, so filmed three one after the other.
the first video took about three attempts, i ran out of battery, my phone went off and i was losing the will to live. finally i filmed my hijab collection and started uploading straight away.
the second video was my underscarves and accessories video. This one, at present has said 51% uploaded for three hours. i think its lying to me to be quite honest. 1/2 my brain is saying 'refresh and start again.' the other half of my brain see's the warning flash up with 'if you navagate away from this page, you will lose your upload.' and says 'NOOOO! DON'T DO IT!'
it has til 4am to change, otherwise i'm restarting it.
my underscarf video is possibly my most random ramble video ever, bar the one coming soon where i talk rubbish for 3 minutes. *sigh* i do try not to talk rubbish i promise. but sometimes i lose track of where i am, or a child walks in for absolutely no reason, and i get distracted and forget where i was.
Onto a far more exciting subject i have wicked cool socks. they are the most wicked cool comfy warmy socks ever made by anyone ever. Their linked with fue, their wool on the outside and have little blobs on the bottom to stop any slippy slidy accidents. you can fold them down, or pull them up for extra toastie warmness. heres a picture:
How excellent are they? honestly, i know your jealous but i'm here to your rescue! their from tesco and their 8 pounds. their actually 3 for 2 atm which is even better obviously. click the purple: heres the linky:
see: how good am i to you: they do international delivers too now, although its probably a bit much to but the from tesco if you live in Canada for example.
anyway thats my blog for the day. i've uploaded one video as i said, and theres another two to come. dont say i never do anything for you.
much love and kisses and warm socks love.
I filmed three videos in one day. i'd spent 3 days feeling awful in bed, and didn't know how long my luck would last, so filmed three one after the other.
the first video took about three attempts, i ran out of battery, my phone went off and i was losing the will to live. finally i filmed my hijab collection and started uploading straight away.
the second video was my underscarves and accessories video. This one, at present has said 51% uploaded for three hours. i think its lying to me to be quite honest. 1/2 my brain is saying 'refresh and start again.' the other half of my brain see's the warning flash up with 'if you navagate away from this page, you will lose your upload.' and says 'NOOOO! DON'T DO IT!'
it has til 4am to change, otherwise i'm restarting it.
my underscarf video is possibly my most random ramble video ever, bar the one coming soon where i talk rubbish for 3 minutes. *sigh* i do try not to talk rubbish i promise. but sometimes i lose track of where i am, or a child walks in for absolutely no reason, and i get distracted and forget where i was.
Onto a far more exciting subject i have wicked cool socks. they are the most wicked cool comfy warmy socks ever made by anyone ever. Their linked with fue, their wool on the outside and have little blobs on the bottom to stop any slippy slidy accidents. you can fold them down, or pull them up for extra toastie warmness. heres a picture:
How excellent are they? honestly, i know your jealous but i'm here to your rescue! their from tesco and their 8 pounds. their actually 3 for 2 atm which is even better obviously. click the purple: heres the linky:
see: how good am i to you: they do international delivers too now, although its probably a bit much to but the from tesco if you live in Canada for example.
anyway thats my blog for the day. i've uploaded one video as i said, and theres another two to come. dont say i never do anything for you.
much love and kisses and warm socks love.
Friday, 25 November 2011
Life on Youtube.
Wow. Vlogging is ALOT harder than it looks!!! All those really basic, straight through, no edit videos thats looks simple: Well, they ain't. I'm uploading my third, and probably most important video, ''Why i wear Hijab.''
I wrote out a very 'loose' script, and managed to balance it in front of me so i could remember exactly what points i wanted to make etc.
i made a comment at the beginning, that i said i would elaborate on. about 3/4 through the video, i should've made the point.
i didnt.
i forgot.
oh no...
straight through, one take on a 10 minute video and i had to start the whole thing for the sake of 45 seconds.
and just as i'm finishing up and saying goodbye, the cat climbs on me. he'd been looking at me suspiciously for the whole video, and decided to make his attack right at the end.
so everyone gets to see my open mouthed laugh as a special bonus!
i also filmed another video, another tag i wasn't tagged in. hubby to be had taken the boys out to dinner so i could film undisturbed, so i took advantage of the quiet!
i was going to add an OOTD to this blog but totally forgot to take a picture, so sorry!
i hope everyone enjoyed thanksgiving, and has a fabulous weekend!
laters xxx
I wrote out a very 'loose' script, and managed to balance it in front of me so i could remember exactly what points i wanted to make etc.
i made a comment at the beginning, that i said i would elaborate on. about 3/4 through the video, i should've made the point.
i didnt.
i forgot.
oh no...
straight through, one take on a 10 minute video and i had to start the whole thing for the sake of 45 seconds.
and just as i'm finishing up and saying goodbye, the cat climbs on me. he'd been looking at me suspiciously for the whole video, and decided to make his attack right at the end.
so everyone gets to see my open mouthed laugh as a special bonus!
i also filmed another video, another tag i wasn't tagged in. hubby to be had taken the boys out to dinner so i could film undisturbed, so i took advantage of the quiet!
i was going to add an OOTD to this blog but totally forgot to take a picture, so sorry!
i hope everyone enjoyed thanksgiving, and has a fabulous weekend!
laters xxx
Thursday, 17 November 2011
So far, not so good...
Trying to film a video while recovering from flu, not so easy. i am Admant that i'm gonna do this video tonight though, even if it kills me!
part of it is guilt, that i told sister amena that i'd do the video 'this weekend'. that was a month ago almost! I'm sure she has much more important things to worry about, but if i say i'm going to do something i feel like i should do it, i'm that kind of person.
One cheery up thing in a day of not so greatness * there's other things i wont write about* was mspraisegirl1's video, mentioning me. that was really appriciated and much loved that you would take out the time to mention your subscribers :D
so anyway, a new video should be up tomorrow, i'm going to film tonight. forgive me if its not perfect, i'm tired, its 2.25AM and i'm recovering still.
Hope everyone is well, and i'll see you all soon. xxx
part of it is guilt, that i told sister amena that i'd do the video 'this weekend'. that was a month ago almost! I'm sure she has much more important things to worry about, but if i say i'm going to do something i feel like i should do it, i'm that kind of person.
One cheery up thing in a day of not so greatness * there's other things i wont write about* was mspraisegirl1's video, mentioning me. that was really appriciated and much loved that you would take out the time to mention your subscribers :D
so anyway, a new video should be up tomorrow, i'm going to film tonight. forgive me if its not perfect, i'm tired, its 2.25AM and i'm recovering still.
Hope everyone is well, and i'll see you all soon. xxx
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