Saturday, 21 January 2012

thoughts of bereavment

Things have changed for me. No one says anything anymore do they? When I make videos, I don’t make them for me, I make them for you. I do what I think people will watch. I have things I want to say, and I don’t in case, you my beloved viewer, get bored. I’m lying. I’m not saying what I want to say, I’m not doing what I want to do, I’m doing what I think you want me to do. It’s lying, in a sense. And we all lie, lying is not always for personal gain, but it usually is to deceive. Even if it’s for the greater good. We lie to ourselves and we lie to each other.
My granddad died on Monday at 3am. I know you shouldn’t have favourites, but we all did. Pit was OUR granddad. And he’s gone. He outlived my other granddads, I had three, and he was our favourite. In the days leading up to his death, we all kept saying: you alright? You alright mum? You alright tiff? You alright twiggy? You alright lence? And we all said? Yeah. I’m alright.
None of us are ‘alright.’ We will be, at some time, we will be alright. Right now, we’re not, none of us our but even to each other, we can’t say, no I’m not alright, my dad’s gone, my granddads gone. I feel like this feeling is never going to end, I feel like I should be crying all the time, I feel like my soul left when he took his last breath, I feel like nothing in the world will ever be the same, and I’m sorry for the time I wasted, the days gone by when I had nothing to do and didn’t go round for a visit because that time, is gone. And I can’t get it back. No. I’m not alright. But thanks for asking.
I, right now, feel like I won’t be the same again. Something has gone, and something else is in its place. I don’t know what ‘it’ is, but it’s there. I feel, alone. I’m pretty much surrounded by people, but they’re not inside my bubble. They’re there, but not. I can’t accept he’s gone, because he’s always been there. And now he isn’t. That is how I feel.
There’s going to people, who think ‘keep some shit to you!’ well. It’s my shit. I own it. And if I want to give, just a little bit, to the rest of the world. I’m going to. Don’t waste your time. Don’t spend the days, the weeks, the years, on people who mean nothing to you. Who you mean nothing to. Surround yourself, protect yourself, and make your bubble big enough to fit every person who makes you smile, on the inside. Don’t get bored, ring your mum, ring you’re Nan, ring someone else’s Nan. Don’t look back, and think: I wish I’d bothered. You’ll find the time to tidy up, to do the washing, to finish that paper. But when someone’s gone, their gone. Never waste a moment. You’ll never get it back.
Salaam alaikum. Be good to each other.